Programmer goes to shop for groceries, wife tells him: "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen." So he comes back home with a dozen gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."
Programmer is in the grocery store and calls the boyfriend to ask if there is anything else she should pick up. He says, "While you're out there, get some eggs". She never returns home.
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician were out game hunting. The engineer spied a bear in the distance, so they got a little closer. "Let me take the first shot!" said the engineer, who missed the bear by three metres to the left. "You're incompetent! Let me try" insisted the physicist, who then proceeded to miss by three metres to the right. "Ooh, we got him!!" said the statistician.
Silence for 5 seconds
Why do Java developers need glasses?
'cause they don't C#.
I could tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.
I tried to tell some friends a TCP joke, but I just ended up repeating it slower and slower until they got it.
The great thing about UDP jokes is I don't care if you get them or not.
Einstein Newton and Pascal are playing hid and go seek and it's Einstein's turn to count.
So Einstein starts counting and Pascal goes off to hide, but Newton just stands there and calmly draws a box around himself in the dirt.
Einstein finishes counting sees Newton immediately and tells him that he is it. Newton responds
"No Einstein, you just found one Newton per meter square. Pascal's it."
Linguistics joke. Professor says, "So, as we can see, in some languages a double negative is a positive, and in other languages a double negative is still a negative, but in no language is a double positive a negative." A voice from the back of the classroom says, "Yeah, right."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender says 'You guys need to learn your limits', and pours two beers.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just kidding. Thats a hardware problem.
How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Can't you fix it in software?
There are 10 types of people in the world, those that know binary, those that don't and those that didn't expect this joke to be in base 3.
And those that don't use the oxford comma ?_?
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.
"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.
"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."
"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"
Two atoms were walking down the street, and one says, "I lost an electron!"
then the other one says, "are you sure?"
and the first says "I'm positive!"
There's no place like 127.0.0.1